Finding my voice . . .

I have begun my journey to developing my comps exam. A comps exam is the final exam prior to graduation and it takes the form of a scholarly research paper OR scholarly personal narrative. Many graduate programs are used to doing thesis defenses, however like UVM, the HESA program is different and we are required to do a comps exam defense. The comps may take two forms: a scholarly qualitative or mixed methods research OR a scholarly personal narrative. The research paper consists of developing a question and finding an answer for it through qualitative analysis, which primarily includes interviews and stories, and the findings are supported by scholarly sources. I however, have decided to take the scholarly personal narrative (SPN). SPN takes the person's narrative and delivers a message through the narrative. I also connect a whole lot better to SPN than the latter.

As I was reading for my research class, I reflected on my struggles to write research papers for class. I have written a total of about four semi-large research papers for HESA, but have found it difficult to write and submit my paper. I have always doubted my writing, but for some reason, as a graduate student I always have mixed emotions when submitting my papers. The problem I am having in developing these papers is the inability to find my voice. As I mentioned before, research papers are based are based on your ideas but supported by scholarly sources. The idea of backing up my assumptions, ideas, and reflections with other sources muffles my voice. It blinds my sight and train of thought. It keeps me from being me and and from being creative. I come with a creative writing background but research has plugged my ability to write creatively. This notion of supporting my ideas with other sources take away from my voice. How then am I to write a research paper, for my research class, with my 'thoughts' are not going to feel unique and true to me? When I have a thought, I am suppose to find a source that supports that thought, but once I do, my thinking stops there because it no longer belongs to me, but to the source. Where am I suppose to go?

This internal conflict has caused me to turn to SPN. SPN is driven by the author's voice as opposed to the research. One of my favorite professors, and producer of SPN, often speaks about "me-search" as opposed to "re-search". He identifies research as the action of searching again and again and again, until you find what you are looking for. What if you have already found what you are looking for with in yourself, through "me-search"? Is that not enough? Is my authentic voice not enough for academia to accept? Am I being reflecting and feeling too much for the academy? My thoughts are racing as we speak. These questions bring up the whole notion about the establishment of the academy, the university . . . The University was created to educate the white middle-class man. Is SPN not masculine enough? Is my voice not white enough? Is there a place for me, a woman of color from working-class background, in the academy? Will there ever be a place for me? Why am I going into a field that was intended for the person I am not?

WOW! Now I am going all sorts of places. I might have just discovered my comps topic . . . I'll keep you posted.

Hasta luego amigos!

MOVE-IN Week All Over Higher Education!

Move-in week always reminds me of the many reasons why I chose Higher Education and Student Affairs.:

1. Students are finally back on campus.
2. Help is EVERYWHERE!!! Faculty, staff, and students helping first-years move-in.
3. Watching parents entrust their children to the University.
4. Watching students become young adults.
5. FREE FOOD!
6. Peer on peer mentoring, guiding, listening, and leading.
7. Increased student interactions.
8. Longer hours implemented at the gym, the library, and the student center, and other offices.
9. PROGRAMMING begins!
10. And most all, WE, student affairs professionals, are able to create more ripples and impact the lives of more students.

My Summer Experience

This summer I had the opportunity to work for UVM's Department of Residential Life under the supervision of Dr. Stacey Miller, la Directora! My colleague and I worked on several projects through out this summer and in particular the Restorative Practices project. This project is an initiative by the Residential Life department and is the first of its kind on a college campus. The simple basis of this program is a proactive approach to conflicts and disputes in a non-punitive way. There is A LOT more to these practices, but overall, this experience has taught me the importance of change and how change is appreciated and accepted at the University of Vermont. It has been a holistic experience that kept me grounded in my morals and values as well as reminding me of why I chose Student Affairs and Higher Education. I was treated as part of the team and the department with no avail and I felt as if my opinion was appreciated with out judgment. With no residential life experience, I took on this opportunity to expand on my knowledge and experience of residential life. As well as take advantage of the many opportunities that came with it, such as working with our NUFP interns, supervising SESP students, and working with university leaders, such as the Dean of Students.

I needed this experience to motivate me and pump me up for my last year. Being able to work with such an extraordinary department and group has been a privilege I will never forget. Initiating the first steps to implementing Restorative Practices was nerve-racking. The work may not have been hard labor, but emotionally the thoughts that raced through my head in terms of how others would approach it and accept it were draining. First, the RP trainers came in to train RET (residential education team) and other university leaders for two days. Then, as RET we worked in UVM'izing the RP approach for two days. Tomorrow, RP will be introduced to the 150RAs and all our summer work will finally be in full force once school begins in TWO weeks. Everyone knows that change is not easy, but the UVM department of residential life has taken the risk to bring about a hopeful positive change!

Overall, this experience brought to light strengths, and weakness, I never knew I had, as well as the type of supervisors I work well with and prefer. It has definitely prepped me for the job search coming up in March and motivated me for the year to come. Thanks to the department of reslife and the director for making my summer worth while. My culture shock curve slightly went up :)

To Be or Not To Be . . . Latina/Hispanic

It's been a long personal battle, but I think it's time to name my thoughts towards the assigned identities of Latina and Hispanic, and what it means to be Latina or Hispanic. Many times I am faced with the question, "How do you identify, Latina or Hispanic?" As I think about my respond cautiously, many thoughts run through my head: Is this person of Latin descent (any country in Latin America other than Mexico), is this person Mexican, or is this individual a scholar (or so they think they are) and solely want to "educate" me on the origin of the term Hispanic and Latina? Either or, I will probably get the same respond from the scholar and the individual from Latin descent, and I really am not sure what respond I'd get from the person who might be of Mexican descent, because in reality this question almost always comes from the latter two. Through out this academic year I found myself contemplating and asking, "Who am I?" Out of many possible answers I always find myself wondering why I do not stick to one ethnic group/term? Will I always leave myself for question in regards to being Latina or Hispanic to others? And then I thought I had reached a conclusion, "Think what you want, I am Latina, Hispanic, and even South East Asian, I don't really care, but do not forget I am Texan, or Tejana". But in reality, I did care. Asides from pledging my allegiance to the great state of Texas, I long to solidify my identity of being Latina or Hispanic.

So, I got to thinking how in the Rio Grande Valley, where I attribute my early successes to, the HISPANIC population is largely composed of individuals from Mexican descent. Whether you came from Mexico or born from Mexican parents, we are all Hispanic, and referred ourselves as Hispanic. As I left for college, I landed at Texas A&M University, a predominantly white university that uses the 'coined' term Hispanic to refer to its Latino/Hispanic student population. This is where the 'education' of the term came to be. The word Hispanic is a term created by the dominant culture way back when, thus it was given and assigned to my people and culture. The term Latina/o was launched as a result of the chicano/a movement and created by Latinos themselves (or so I believe). But which brown people, for a lack of a better term, did this word refer to? If I refer myself to Latina, I will then get the question, "Oh, which Latin American country are you from?" In which I will then respond with "Well . . . I am from Texas but am from Mexican descent", which in turn I might get the "Oh then you're not Latin" respond, which I have received in the past, which will also stir up the feelings of invalidation towards my culture. (Which means, everything I stand for means nothing in the eyes of that individual thus devaluating my experiences and who I am, and I hate to even go there.) Now, if I respond with "I am Hispanic" then the conversation stops there, that is if the individual has no bias towards using the term Hispanic, which very often they do have a bias and so goes on the education of where the term Hispanic originated. If the conversation stops there, then I (at least) get the feeling that I have been accepted for who I am and for who I choose to me.

I know where the term is from and do not need to be educated and I prefer not to be in limbo. I am Hispanic from Texas and proud of it.

Thanks and gig'em!

"I am Two People"

In his book, Limbo, Lubrano highlights the many experiences people with working-class backgrounds go through when working towards white-collar dreams and life, also known as straddlers. I am a straddler. I come from a working-class family and because I am in school, in particular graduate school, I have already entered middle-class. However, I constantly find myself lost and out of place. I have been in Vermont for a year already, studying besides colleagues with completely different perspectives and backgrounds, and living with undergraduate students whose parents' income is probably four times as much as my family's income. Dining, shopping, and enjoying the fruits of life in Vermont has been tough to enjoy when knowing that back home things may not be going well. Doing things out of the ordinary in order to network and socialize comes with discomfort because sometimes it is not me. I find myself constantly putting this mask to get ahead and move with the crowd.

I went home three weeks ago after a 6-month dream in Vermont, and the first thing I did was attend a Mexican wedding. My heart knew I was home. I was smiling inside and out, and I knew at that moment, that I would experience culture shock again once I came back to Vermont. My feet danced to the beats of guapangos and banda music, although I have two left feet, but they still enjoyed themselves. My ears finally listened vigorously to the music of the mariachis, which I missed dearly. My first question after the invite to the wedding was, "Will there be mariachi music?" I was desperate for my culture. The wedding fed my thirst for my culture, and to that I am thankful for the invitation. After my 3-day excursion at the wedding, it was time to finally head home to the valley!

Upon arriving to the Valley, reality struck and I could not get Lubrano's words out of my head. I had woken up from my VT dream, and lets just say it wasn't a "sweet dream". Lubrano speaks about going away to college and individuals being in a dream, but then wake up once they go back home. I was home, but my sweet dream had just begun. I saw the many privileges my family had, which many in the dominant and sub-dominant groups would call disadvantages. The privileges of living day by day not knowing what awaits us. With funds running scarce, there is a fairly large list of things-to-do and fix-ups around the house but that did not stop us from having fun. I did as much as I could to help my family with the list. As much as I'd like to share our living situation, it hurts to even think about it. Let's just say I do not have the same worries when I am in VT. I have food, clean water, and a secured roof over my head. I constantly found myself telling my mom, "One more year, one more year and we will all graduate, and hopefully begin the big move from Sullivan City". That is another transition Lubrano speaks about. Straddlers do not only hope to make it to middle-class, but also hope and wish on the day that their family will join them as well. My mother's dream for us might be for us to get a successful job and live a successful life, but my dream is to someday repay my mother for her hard work and effort in raising 4 daughters. Leaving the Valley was bittersweet.

I am in VT now, and once again going through culture shock. I don't think I'll ever learn how to cope with the environment up here. The only way, I believe, will be to stay away from the Valley permanently, but that is not possible. While visiting at home, I had a successful meeting with the directors of the College Access and Support Programs at UTPA. They spoke about their accomplishments as directors, and the reasons of why they do what they do. They have esperanza, hope. Hope that they can help working-class students achieve their dreams and those of their parents. Sounds familiar.

In the meantime, I must put on a face, expand my network, and learn how to survive as a middle-class individual.

Lifetime Lanterns

In her memoir, Lanterns, Marian Wright Edelman speaks about the mentors in her life and how they have helped light the path in her life. I myself have had quite a few lanterns in my life and with out them I do not who I would be today. An enormous amount of individuals have impacted my life since I entered the world of education. I always looked up to teachers for the answers and their guidance in my learning, I never failed to get attached to them each year. Hence my favorite identity theory, attachment theory. The brightest lantern I have had for about 17 years now, has been my clarinet instructor, Mr. Ruben Estrada. He opened many windows of possibilities in music and inspired me to continue playing no matter the circumstances. Our mentor relationship is just as strong as when we first met. He ignited my fuel for music and continues to motivate me to play, just as he persists in his own personal life journey to continue playing no matter the odds.

When I entered Texas A&M University, I found myself sitting the office of Ms. Carla Madison. Carla had a distinct way in which she helped students get connected with university life. She challenged her students to think critically and analyze their experiences. I was under Carla's supervision for two of the three years that I knew her. She saw me go through degree major changes, from Music to English, she saw me become a greek woman in Kappa Delta Chi, she saw me as a performer in the Aggie Symphonic Band, and most importantly she saw me develop as a leader through MSC organizations and Aggie Access. She was the person I would turn to when I was caught in a bind of decisions. With her guidance I never failed to make a wrong decision. I had found my lantern at A&M. However, my life was impacted by a major change in our relationship. Carla had decided to take a job at the University of Las Vegas. I decided to finish my career with Aggie Access after her departure to focus on CAMAC and KDX, as well as graduation. In Spring 2008 I received an email notifying me of Carla's passing. Prior to her passing, Carla had been recommending me for graduate school programs all the while battling stage 4 pancreatic cancer. I never got to tell her how much of an impact she had in my life. She is one of the reasons why I am studying and looking forward to working in Student Affairs. Although she has passed, her spirit continues to ignite my path.

In 2005, my involvement in MSC Committee for the Awareness of the Mexican-American Culture flourished. I saw myself working closely with Ms. Raye Leigh Stone. Her committment to our organization as an advisor motivated me to become a director and president of CAMAC. I grew an in-depth understanding ofthe MSC and university student unions, as well as student and leadership development. This also led to my choice to pursue student affairs and higher education. It was during Carla's departure that I found myself sitting in RL's office talking about life's choices and contemplating my next move in school, in work, in career choices, even life choices. What I admire most about RL is her balance in maintaining her work relationships as well as family. I continously struggle in staying connected with long time friends and family back home and sometimes let myself get consumed by my job and my studies. After my graduation from UVM RL is one I plan to emulate in balancing work and family. In the field of student affairs and higher education there is a constant conversation about work, life, and self balance. UVM does a great job in helping me understand my needs in order to stay sane in such a student driven job, just as RL's does. As my life began to unravel in Vermont, I began to pay close attention to the most important individuals in my life, my family. RL's light has aided in my self-growth and understanding, and for that I thank her.

Flash forwarding to my new chapter in life, VT. I have yet to find someone as special as Mr. Estrada, Carla, or RL, which saddens me a bit, but it has also helped me realize how much of an important role a mentor can play in one's life. However, through HESA's GC (graduate colleague, like a big/lil sis sorority program) program I have been able to find another lantern to brighten my trip in Vermont. Valerie Garcia is my GC! I met Valerie while I was researching programs. VT connected me with her, and we instantly bonded. She is from New Mexico, where she went on to graduate and work for A&M for a year (my senior year), and then went on to graduate school in Vermont. Valerie helped cultuvate an environment for me where I could be myself with out judgement, away from the UVM and the HESA community. She made me realize how much my sisters play a vital role in maintaining my sanity. Through girl talks and shopping dates we were able to vent to each other and become the closest of GC's I never thought we'd become. She has since left VT already to begin a new chapter in her own life. When she left, I felt just as I felt when I departed my sisters and family in TX. And it dawned on me how much she reminded me of my very own sisters. She played a vital role in my Vermont experiences, with out her, I do not know how sane I would be right now. I thank her for her honesty in keeping it real and in letting me be myself in a place where I had become lost.

"[Mentors] need a sense of shared purpose that comes from shared actions and struggles. And they need exposure to a wide variety of people doing worthwhile rather than frivolous or self-seeking things".

An Overview of my Assistantship

This year brought new experiences to my career in higher education as well as new meanings to working with a social justice mindset. Social Justice was never a proponent brought up in my previous programming experiences. However, in delving deeper into the issue I realized I had always been programming with a social justice intention. I always looked for that area or program in which I could voice my culture’s point of view, share my story, and educate others. This assistantship has helped me in defining what social justice means to me as well as my program and how I can be a social justice advocate. But overall, I found myself in a better place when I programmed about issues related to my culture and identity versus others.

The toughest part of the assistantship for me was creating interactive and meaningful discussions around issues the films would bring up. The issues did not particularly addressed all my identities, maybe some, but not all. I can easily put together a film series, however initiating and navigating the discussions before and after the film was tough. It was easier for me to turn to the film maker or producer to create those conversations because they could relate more to the issues than I could. In going through my program and social justice trainings, the idea of educating the dominant culture created a wall between me and the students. And with that wall, it has been tough to hold those conversations. My experiences might be different if there were more students of color in the audience, but that is not for me to determine. With experience and proper preparation I hope to tackle this part of my assistantship with confidence and hope to foster a better learning environment.

The best part of the assistantship is definitely coordinating the art gallery exhibits. Working with individuals and helping them craft their exhibit is a great part of this assistantship. Undergraduate students very often have experiences they like to share and helping them identify why that experience was important and establish their purpose is sharing the experience definitely adds to the mentoring/advising component of the HESA program in general. The last art exhibit definitely highlighted how the assistantship can be filled with joy and laughter. The colors in the exhibit did not only show off the artists attitude about her work, but it really brightened up the center and it helped end the semester on the right foot. It was a great experience and it taught me how art can truly relate to social justice and how one can teach social justice via art, an even greater reason for me to continue with my music!

Overall, I have traveled a long way from my initial being in the fall. It has been a long and draining road, but hopefully I can use the skills I have learned next year. I have attended social justice institutes where I have been able to identify my role as a social justice advocate. I have participated in cultural planning committees that have given me a different space and venue to express myself outside of my assistantship. And I know I am better prepared to program and create effective social justice dialogues next year.

A Year in Review in Vermont

My first year of graduate school is officially over!!! I must say it has been quite a ride. I have been challenged emotionally, personally, mentally, and some what physically. I cannot wait to see what other life-changing experiences my last year in Vermont will bring. In the fall semester I was eager to explore Vermont's culture and expand my horizons. I learned new terminology, new eating habits, new lifestyles and new trends. Most importantly, I was introduced to the idea of creating a social justice curriculum and experience. I attended Racial Aikido and Social Justice Training Institute which took place in what is now the ostracized state of Arizona. SJTI is a race-immersion institute and it is the place where I began to understand my identity and my role as an advocate for justice.


Although I had a semester of new beginnings, the spring semester brought unexpected moments filled with unbearable emotions. In the fall I was done exploring Vermont and began to long for home. Once I was able to go home for the holidays I was able to rejuvenate myself for another semester. However, little did I know I would need more than just rejuvenation to survive the semester. It began to dawn on me that I was changing (for the best or the worst?, I don't know). I began to feel invalidated, as if my statements did not mean anything to conversations in class and out of class. I was able to voice some concerns in written reflections, but that was not enough. I longed to speak with individuals that might understand what I was feeling. Those individuals turned out to be my family. I was able to express my frustrations and release some much needed stress. These conversations left me longing for my family and helped me somewhat understand the feelings of invalidation. I could not relate my experiences to others in class.


These realizations slowly helped me find my identity as well as identify what is important in my life - my family and my personal experiences. However, I have found it hard, here, to be myself. I feel my actions and statements are judged everyday and I never thought I'd feel like this in Vermont. I am constantly reminded that my Aggie experience is a "tokenized" experience. Meaning I was given the experience by the "dominant" culture to educate the "dominant" culture instead of earning my Aggie experience . . . I still do not know how to respond to this. The social justice component of this program is entrenched in race to an extent that it disturbs me. My racial identity is not as prevalent in my everyday life as class is, at least that is how I see it. I was raised with Hispanics all around me that class played a more vital role in my life. So it is difficult to relate to some statements said in class or in trainings. What does this mean? Ifeel as if I am seen as an American and not a Latino, and in class discussions being American is being and acting white, but I clearly look Latino. Perhaps that is why I prefer Hispanic as my identity. I am as Latino and as American and why should I have to choose either or? I feel as if when I speak I must speak from a Latino point of view, not an American/White point of view, but when I speak I speak from a Hispanic (American) point of, but what does that matter to my cohort members? Or to o our discussions? These feelings of invalidation consistantly over come me.



So, I have spent the semester speaking with family and friends about my experience and emotions and constantly find solace in their words of encouragemet. I will not give up on Vermont and I will push forth in having my voice heard and in solidifying my identity. My family and my experiences provide me with motivation to keep going. I constantly find myself surrounding myself with my culture. I have not forgotten where I come from, which is a stereotype in our culture once someone lives, but I have gained a better understanding of where I come from and how my experiences have shaped my life. Afterall, I am an Aggie living in Vermont, what can be harder than that, jk.

Hasta luego amigos, ojala mis experiencas se mejoran este verano, how's my spanish? :)