Finding my voice . . .

I have begun my journey to developing my comps exam. A comps exam is the final exam prior to graduation and it takes the form of a scholarly research paper OR scholarly personal narrative. Many graduate programs are used to doing thesis defenses, however like UVM, the HESA program is different and we are required to do a comps exam defense. The comps may take two forms: a scholarly qualitative or mixed methods research OR a scholarly personal narrative. The research paper consists of developing a question and finding an answer for it through qualitative analysis, which primarily includes interviews and stories, and the findings are supported by scholarly sources. I however, have decided to take the scholarly personal narrative (SPN). SPN takes the person's narrative and delivers a message through the narrative. I also connect a whole lot better to SPN than the latter.

As I was reading for my research class, I reflected on my struggles to write research papers for class. I have written a total of about four semi-large research papers for HESA, but have found it difficult to write and submit my paper. I have always doubted my writing, but for some reason, as a graduate student I always have mixed emotions when submitting my papers. The problem I am having in developing these papers is the inability to find my voice. As I mentioned before, research papers are based are based on your ideas but supported by scholarly sources. The idea of backing up my assumptions, ideas, and reflections with other sources muffles my voice. It blinds my sight and train of thought. It keeps me from being me and and from being creative. I come with a creative writing background but research has plugged my ability to write creatively. This notion of supporting my ideas with other sources take away from my voice. How then am I to write a research paper, for my research class, with my 'thoughts' are not going to feel unique and true to me? When I have a thought, I am suppose to find a source that supports that thought, but once I do, my thinking stops there because it no longer belongs to me, but to the source. Where am I suppose to go?

This internal conflict has caused me to turn to SPN. SPN is driven by the author's voice as opposed to the research. One of my favorite professors, and producer of SPN, often speaks about "me-search" as opposed to "re-search". He identifies research as the action of searching again and again and again, until you find what you are looking for. What if you have already found what you are looking for with in yourself, through "me-search"? Is that not enough? Is my authentic voice not enough for academia to accept? Am I being reflecting and feeling too much for the academy? My thoughts are racing as we speak. These questions bring up the whole notion about the establishment of the academy, the university . . . The University was created to educate the white middle-class man. Is SPN not masculine enough? Is my voice not white enough? Is there a place for me, a woman of color from working-class background, in the academy? Will there ever be a place for me? Why am I going into a field that was intended for the person I am not?

WOW! Now I am going all sorts of places. I might have just discovered my comps topic . . . I'll keep you posted.

Hasta luego amigos!