The time finally came, the time I have been waiting for forever, the time I have been waiting for to open up, the time was Racial Aikido. Racial Aikido is a unique conference dedicated to the identity development of students of color and exclusively for students of color. Texas A&M will never know what hit them if my goal for A&M is accomplished. My goal is to work for A&M and hopefully create, develop, implement, etc some sort of program around social justice and finally educate all future Aggies about social justice and its importance to society.
Anyways, now onto Racial Aikido. My friend, confidante, and "mentor" here at UVM encouraged me to apply for Racial Aikido and addressed the impact this conference would have on me. He emphasized how emotionally draining it would get, and although I thought I was ready for it, I never knew how hard it would hit close at home. The retreat addressed racism, discrimination, oppression, privilege, ethnicity and race, and culture. I thought I fully understood all these terms, except for privilege. I had never been taught about privilege until another HESA graduate alumna had told me about it. Although I heard it before coming to UVM, I did not have a firm understanding of what it meant. Racial Aikido, along with privilege, was able to clarify all my misunderstandings of the words mentioned above.
The retreat began on Friday night with dinner, on Saturday morning we drove over to Smuggler's Notch where the rest of the retreat was to be held. There, it took an emotional turn on every single individual. We were greatly impacted by inspiring stories, surprising and astonishing stories, and personal close-at-home stories where we were all moved to tears.
Personally, I would get choked up when I would be able to relate to another student's story. It was surprising how much these words above are evident everyday actions in our society, and knowing that it will never end. However, I am extremely ashamed at my performance. Before the retreat, I was anxious and could not wait for the event, I thought I was ready to open up. Sitting in the conference area I could not bring myself to open up. I am not sure if it was fear of not being able to articulate my story and get my point across, or the fear that I would not be understood. I've mentioned racism, oppression, and discrimination above, and through out the retreat I tried my best to think about acts of discrimination, oppression, and racism against me and my family. Although I was able to pin point some events, it was not enough for me to rise out of my chair and open up. I kept asking myself why? Am I that naive? Am I blocking all these events? What is wrong with me? I can't be that perfect and not have experienced any such events. So I thought hard and strong that night and I found my problem, so I think.
From birth, I was marginalized and identified as a "crippled" child. I was born with several internal and external disabilities in which my parent's could not pay entirely for the surgeries, thus I qualified for "crippled children" insurance. All through out elementary, middle school, and high school, my medical expenses were paid by that insurance. And when asked by classmates, friends, and family how I was paying for the surgeries, I would resort to answering, "Insurance". I would not be specific. But as I grew older and realized I could never hide my disabilities, slowly but surely, by answer specified "Crippled Children's Insurance". I was embarrassed, angry, disappointed and over all ashamed at myself for being born the way I did. I focused so much of my energy on this invisible disability that I believe I overlooked other forms of oppression, racism, and discrimination.
While we would share stories I would think to myself, I tried so hard to break down the barriers by excelling at things that helped me escape reality that I often lost myself. Why should I have to go back through the process of opening old wounds and losing myself again? I would be opening old wounds on a different level, but I feel like I'll be going through the same phase.
I experienced a different kind of racism that helped me look over racism experienced because of my skin. I was labeled a cripple and once I hit high school I found myself, I found the beauty in life and have kept up with it. I play my clarinet in order to take myself out of reality and into the beauty of the music. That's my defense mechanism to coping with life's difficulties.
Racial Aikido challenged me. I am not sure if it is positively or negatively. I am a bit confused. Should I open those old wounds? Do I want to experience the same feelings? I don't know how to feel. I don't know if I should have pity on myself for being a person of color. Should I be angry/disappointed at the "white" culture? They have the privilege of not thinking about this. How am I going to explain it to my little sister, or my children when they are faced with issues of discrimination because of their skin color? OR Should I just over look it? Ignore the fact it exists? Ignore that white privilege exists? In doing so, I will not know how to tackle it when it is in my face.
I have a little story (for you Ags). One day, while chatting with the comadres at a family seamstress business, a white older heterosexual male comes in wanting some pants hemmed. The ladies working did not fully know English. They were in the process of learning the language, thus when this white older heterosexual male comes in, they are quickly taken aback knowing that their English will be tested. Here we are, my sister and I with our A&M shirts watching this racism, ignorance, discriminatory event unfold before our eyes. The man approaches one lady asking to get the pants hemmed. The lady respectfully asks him to repeat it slowly. He goes on to saying, "No, you should know English just as I am speaking it." (not verbatim, but some thing to that effect) My sister powerfully offers to translate to as to speed up the service and get this ignorant man out of our faces. He refuses and goes on to say how we people invaded the states and if we are going to be here we should know English. I did not know how to respond. Knowing that events like this still take place and will continue to take place, how can I ignore it?
Did he fail to notice how the US is a pluralistic society? Was he not aware that English is not the only language spoken in the US? Where did he think he was? Did he know he was in south South Texas? Did he fail to notice all the Hispanics in the area? Was he aware that Spanish is our native tongue? Did he not see our shirts with A&M logos all over it showing our education? Obviously, he did fail, he did not know where he was at, he did not know Spanish is our native tongue, and I guess he did not see our shirts either. I know English is the US' official language, but I also know we are a pluralistic society and its ever changing. He could have, at the least, respected their service, and respect my sister and my mother, and I. In this sense, I cannot ignore racism, oppression, discrimination, etc, but the least I can do is learn how to recognize it, respond to it, and replenish afterwards.
After Racial Aikido, after the most intense weekend in Vermont, all I wanted to do was replenish my system and relax. So what did I decide to do? What every woman loves to do, besides getting pedicures wit my girl friends? I put on a chick flic and chillaxed. I saw Confessions of a Shopaholic. Now I need to go shopping :)
AND that was my weekend, now if I could only rewind back to that event in my life so that I could have responded instead of keeping my mouth shut. Oh well, I guess I'll have to focus my energy to the future, and educate others. I'm not saying I'm going to go about and accuse people, I respect and accept all the friendships I have developed through out my life and hope this blog does not insult anyone. I am simply now aware that racism exists, and now I just know how to react to it properly with out having it eat at me. And I am open to any advice or opinions.
Thanks and gig'em!
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